


Prosopagnosia

by Cloudandus



Category: Green Lantern (Comics), Green Lantern - All Media Types, Green Lantern Corps (Comics), Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (Comics)
Genre: Dimension Travel, GuyKyle Week 2020, M/M, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, No Beta, this entry definitely wasn't late not even a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24158191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudandus/pseuds/Cloudandus
Summary: Hal didn’t know how his relationship status had become more important than the interdimensional alien invasion. Or why his alternate universe counterpart had apparently married Guy Gardner.
Relationships: Guy Gardner/Kyle Rayner
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	Prosopagnosia

**Author's Note:**

> For GuyKyle Week Day 3 - Fake Relationship/Secret Talent. Again, I took some liberties with the prompt.
> 
> Prosopagnosia is the medical term for face blindness.
> 
> Lagorchestes is the genus of kangaroo known as hare-wallabies. Po’d’daz is a butchering of _pod_ , the latin root for foot or tentacle.

“Wait, Jordan.”

Hal screeched to a halt and turned, defenses up and ring ready to go. John stopped too, and Guy nearly barreled straight into him, cursing as he narrowly avoided a collision and cursing even louder when he saw why they had stopped.

“What do you want, Sinestro?”

Sinestro had the gall to look offended. “You think so little of me, Hal Jordan. Maybe I just want to catch up with an old friend?”

“You don’t have any friends.” Guy called obnoxiously. They both ignored him.

“I know you’re not here to make small talk, Sinestro.” Hal said. “We’re in the middle of a large scale interdimensional invasion. What do you want?”

“I imagine you and your… colleagues,” Yellow eyes skimmed over John disdainfully before looking at Guy the way someone would a potentially rabid sewer rat. “Are planning to travel to the invader's original dimension to stop it at the source.”

“Yes. Are you going to try and stop us?”

“Oh no, quite the opposite in fact.” Sinestro demurred. “I had the wonderful opportunity to take a look at this other dimension, and I was hoping you would visit. I can think of no one better to talk some sense into your counterpart.

“What, he turn evil or something?” Guy interrupted, again. “I thought you’d like that.”

“No.” Sinestro said, looking like he had bitten into a lemon. “He married Guy Gardner.”

“What?” Hal said, sure he had heard incorrectly. Guy started laughing.

Sinestro glared at Guy like he was trying to develop heat vision and incinerate him. He turned to John, who was pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to ward off a headache and looking up at nothing as if beseeching a higher power for strength. Hal was starting to suspect he had heard correctly.

“What?” He tried again, aware that he sounded pleading.

“You heard me the first time, Jordan. Your counterpart in that universe and _his_ ,” Sinestro nodded to Guy, who was on his knees dry heaving with the force of his laughter, with a disgusted look on his face. “Have engaged in _matrimony_ and live in some horrifying facsimile of domestic bliss. I saw it with my own eyes. Please talk to your counterpart and find out when and how he became so misguided. At the very least, I hope you can learn enough not to repeat his mistake.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Guy snorted. “Buddy, I don’t know what the fuck you were looking at through your magical interdimensional creep binoculars or whatever, but it sure as hell wasn’t me and Jordie playing house together. I wouldn’t marry that shithead at gunpoint.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Hal demanded.

Guy leveled him with a flat stare. “Jordie, you don’t get to say it’s bullshit and then get offended when I agree. Pick a lane and stay in it.”

Hal didn’t have a response to that. John looked like he was desperately pretending he didn’t know any of them. He turned back to Sinestro.

“That’s impossible. I can’t be married to Guy! Guy’s straight.”

Guy was uncharacteristically silent. Hal turned to him.

“Guy.”

“Jordie.” Guy responded blandly.

“Guy, you’re straight, right?”

“Nope.” Guy said, popping the ‘p’.

“What!?” Hal yelled. “But -- you said you liked girls!”

“That’s cause I do, Jordie. I’m bi.”

Hal spluttered. “Why didn’t you ever say anything!?”

“It never came up.” Guy said, visibly frustrated. “Anyway, we still wouldn’t be married cause Jordan’s straight.”

“Um.” Hal said intelligently.

“Let’s go stop the invasion threatening our universe, right now.” John suggested in a tone that made it very clear it wasn’t actually a suggestion.

* * *

Guy abandons them on the other side of the portal. The plan was to head to the other universe’s version of Oa to collaborate with their Green Lantern Corps, but when has Guy Gardner ever followed a plan? Seriously, when? It probably happened once or twice, but Hal would be damned if he could remember a single instance.

Hal and John knew better than to try and stop Guy when he declared he was off to go ‘bust some alien heads’, so they just shared a commiserating glance and flew to Oa as a duo.

Amazingly, they’re welcomed not into the Chamber of the Guardians to be talked at for three hours (Hal might have been annoyed at Guy for ditching them, but he definitely understood why he did it), but rather to the office of one Corps Leader John Stewart.

This universe’s John was older, with more lines in the corners of his eyes and more scars on his hands. He seemed completely unfazed by their appearance and even less fazed by their story of an interdimensional invasion. John's counterpart had the look of a man who had seen several universes worth of bullshit.

The office door opened, and an older version of Hal stepped through. He took one look at the two of them and said “Oh, alternate universe?” like it wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy.

Instead of answering, Hal immediately blurted “Did you really marry Guy Gardner?”

His older self’s face immediately twisted with bafflement. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“ _Oh thank god_.” Hal said like a prayer, collapsing into his chair in front of John’s counterpart’s desk.

“Did Guy tell you that?” His counterpart asked, face pinched with annoyance. “Because he was just fucking with you.”

“It was Sinestro.” John answered.

“Sinestro?” Their counterparts asked simultaneously, with identical looks of disbelief.

“Yeah,” Hal confirmed, “He said he was spying on your universe and he saw you and Guy living together as a married couple.”

His counterpart squinted in confusion, before his face suddenly slackened in realization and he said “Kyle...” under his breath like an epiphany. Hal watched him turn and stride towards the door purposefully. It opened to reveal someone Hal had never seen before walking towards them down the hallway.

“Kyle!” Hal’s counterpart called. Kyle was a man Hal’s age, with uncombed black hair and a five o’ clock shadow. He was wearing slippers, sweatpants, and an oversized black t-shirt with a red ‘W’ on the front. He was clutching an enormous thermos of coffee in a hand bearing a shining Green Lantern ring. He squinted at Hal’s counterpart with bleary eyes and greeted him with a lazy “Sup.”

“Put your uniform on.” The older Hal commanded, grabbing the thermos out of his hands and putting it on the desk.

“It’s my day off!” Kyle whined, but by the time Hal’s counterpart grabbed Hal by the shoulder and dragged him out the door and into the hallway Kyle was looking like an actual Green Lantern instead of a tired college student.

Behind Hal, John shared a look with his counterpart before following their procession. Hal’s counterpart had grabbed Kyle by the shoulder too, and was now frog marching the both of them down the hallway. 

They didn’t go far before they ran into a group of Green Lanterns, who stared at them with an apprehensive look Hal could relate to. Hal was kind of afraid to find out what his counterpart was planning too.

“You!” Hal’s counterpart pointed at the Lanterns. “You trained under Lantern Rayner, correct?”

He received a chorus of hesitant nods and one uncertain “Yes, sir.”

“Without using your rings, tell me which one of these is Lantern Rayner.” Hal ordered.

If anything, the cornered Green Lanterns got more panicked. They stared uneasily, fidgeting and not saying a word.

Just when Hal was about to ask what the hell was going on, the tallest of the unfamiliar Lanterns, a wispy humanoid alien with hair like willow branches, pointed at Hal’s counterpart. “It’s a trick question," They declared. "You’re Lantern Rayner!”

“No.” Hal's counterpart said bluntly.

“Damnit.” The tall Lantern whispered to themselves. Next to them, a dark blue jellyfish looking alien raised a thin tentacle and said “Can we ask them questions?”

“No.”

“...Are we being graded on this?” A writhing mass of tentacles with no discernible mouth asked anxiously.

“No, but it isn’t optional.”

“Can we guess?” Jellyfish Lantern asked.

“No.” Hal’s counterpart repeated patiently. “I want to hear solid reasoning behind your choice.” 

_“Shit.”_ The tall Lantern said audibly. From behind their legs, a Lantern only a foot tall that looked like the love child of a jackrabbit and a kangaroo padded forward and regarded Hal with a comically serious expression on her furry face.

“We can do this.” She declared with a squeaky voice and all the gravitas of an actually life-threatening situation. A tiny, clawed hand wearing an equally tiny Green Lantern ring shot up in the god forsaken _Green Lantern Salute._ She was giving them a freaking pep talk!

“Remember, Lantern Rayner is unlike any other Green Lantern in history.” Bunny Lantern said, serious as a heart attack. “His Lantern is _Green!_ ”

At his side, Kyle burst out laughing. Simultaneously, all the Lanterns started pointing at him and yelling.

“It’s him!”

“Gotcha, Lantern Rayner!”

“You did!” Kyle agreed good naturedly. “That was clever, Lantern Lagorchestes. Good job.”

Bunny Lantern -- Lantern Lagorchestes apparently -- chittered wordlessly, one back foot thumping the ground and ears twitching. Thankfully, the ring translated alien body language and told Hal that she was preening from the compliment.

“Now,” Kyle continued, gesturing to Hal and his counterpart. “Can any of you tell me which one of these is Lantern Jordan?”

“Aw, come on…” the tall Lantern whined.

“Is it the one in the middle?” Tentacles asked. “Cause he was giving orders?”

“Ding!” Kyle cheered. “That’s correct, Lantern Po’d’daz. Remember, there’s never just one approach to a problem. Any solution is the correct one as long as it works.”

The ring informed Hal that Tentacles was blushing.

“Well, we were just proving a point. No need to keep you any longer. Thanks for cooperating!” Kyle called cheerfully, turning and walking back to the Corps Leader’s office, the rest of their group trailing after him belatedly. The Lanterns waved and said their farewells fondly.

“What the hell is going on?” Hal asked once the office door closed behind him.

“Other me,” Hal’s counterpart said with a grand gesture. “Let me introduce you to Kyle Rayner, Guy’s husband.”

“Wait, really?” Hal blinked, staring at Kyle in shock. “You married Guy?”

“Yes.” Kyle agreed readily. “And I haven’t done anything else in my life worth a mention in my introduction. Sure, I’ve been a Green Lantern nearly a decade and saved the universe multiple times, but compared to the amazing sex--”

Hal’s counterpart covered Kyle’s mouth with his hand. “Yeah, this little shit is pretty much Guy’s soulmate. And your welcome, you know. For me saving you from hearing about their sex liFFUCK -- Kyle!” He tore his hand off Kyle’s mouth like it had been burned.

“John!” Hal’s counterpart whined. “ _He licked me!_ ” Kyle stuck out his tongue threateningly.

“Yeah, I definitely see him with Guy.” John agreed. “Speaking of, where is your Guy?”

“He’s on a milk run.” Kyle answered.

“Where?”

“Earth?” Kyle said, squinting at John in confusion.

“Guy’s not on a mission.” John’s counterpart explained, not looking up from the paperwork he must have started when they left. “He’s literally buying groceries.”

“We ran out of milk. And eggs.” Kyle agreed.

“Why did that Lantern say that you weren’t like other Green Lanterns?” John asked, crossing his arms over his broad chest. Now that Hal thought about it, the exchange had been pretty strange.

“Basically, I got my ring by complete accident, completely independent from the selection algorithm. Now that I’ve actually made something of myself, the Guardians don't want to admit that I was an accident, so they've started retroactively claiming that I’m the chosen one. I was making fun of that, saying ‘Oh, I can’t do my paperwork, I’m _special_. Can't you tell that my Lantern isn’t _Green_ like everybody else’s, it’s _Emerald Twilight_.’ Anyway, apparently euphemisms for colors don’t translate and everyone spent weeks hearing me say ‘My ring isn’t green, it’s _green_.’ with a completely straight face.”

“I mean, you married Guy, so it’s not _completely_ straight.” Hal snarked, gaining a laugh from Kyle and a snort from both Johns.

“Anyway, given the demonstration Hal gave you, I’m sure you’ve figured out how we ended up in this situation.” John’s counterpart said, putting his papers aside.

“What situation, John?” Kyle asked. “I figure they’re from an alternate universe and apparently they needed a demonstration on alien face blindness, but no one’s actually explained anything to me.”

“Yeah, what was that back there?” Hal demanded. “No one in my universe ever had trouble telling who I was.”

“They did, actually.” John’s counterpart explained. “It just wasn’t a problem because you were the only Lantern in the Corps who wore a mask.”

“You know how, like, all penguins look the same?” Kyle added. “But they can tell each other apart? Turns out they do look different, we just don’t notice because our human brains are designed to recognize human faces, not penguin faces. Penguin brains recognize penguin faces, but not human faces. The same thing happens with aliens.”

Kyle put a comforting hand on Hal’s shoulder. “In your universe, no one knew you because they recognized your face. They recognized you by your mask, and Guy by his red hair and his uniform, and John because his skin is dark and his head is shaved. When I became a Lantern… While, you had been temporarily waylaid by an alien space bug made of pure fear. It’s a long story. But when you came back there were two white-passing male lanterns with dark hair. Aliens can’t tell us apart.”

“So that’s why Sinestro thought I married Guy!” Hal said. “He saw you with Guy and he thought you were me.”

“Sinestro thought what?” Kyle demanded.

“He came to us before we got here, saying that he had spied on your universe and seen that me and Guy were married. He wanted me to ‘talk sense’ into my counterpart.”

“And you believed him?”

“Why would Sinestro lie about _that_?” Hal asked. “Plus, he sounded genuinely horrified.”

“Yeah, but he said you were _married_. You once told me that marriage was a cage that men chose to lock themselves into. I mean, I can see you _sleeping_ with Guy…”

“Hey! I wouldn’t.”

Kyle gave him a deeply judgmental look. So did both Johns. Older Hal refused to make eye contact.

“Okay, maybe once or twice, but definitely not regularly enough to count as a relationship!”

“Which makes the idea of you getting married absurd. Society doesn’t exactly pressure you to marry your gay lover. And especially not to _Guy Gardner_. After we got engaged, Green Arrow tried to talk me out of marrying Guy and I had to destroy him.”

“You had to destroy him.” John repeated, expressionless.

“Yes.” Kyle agreed. “It was very sad.”

“Kyle gave an impromptu, half-hour lecture on every way Oliver Queen has ever failed as a father, a husband, and as a human being.” John’s counterpart explained. “There were visual aids.”

Kyle smiled winningly. “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones unless they’re willing to get cut.”

“You him _cry_ in the middle of the Watchtower!” Hal’s counterpart exclaimed.

“I got a standing ovation from 100% of Roy Harpers” Kyle bragged. “Also, if Ollie didn’t want to get destroyed in front of the entire JLA then he shouldn’t have talked shit about my husband in the Watchtower.”

Hal’s counterpart threw up his hands in exasperation. 

“Guy was so overcome watching Kyle bring the entire Watchtower to a screeching halt to make a grown man cry that he got on one knee and proposed to Kyle a second time once the speech was over.” John’s counterpart informed them.

* * *

When they finally found Guy, he was cleaning a cut on his face, sitting on the dirt outside the smoking crater where an interdimensional troop transport used to be.

He stood up when he noticed their approach, and flipped them off with both hands. Charming.

Kyle flew right up to Guy and held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Kyle.” 

Guy looked him up and down like he was sizing him up for a fight, then smiled and took his offered hand.

“Guy Gardner. Say, you wouldn’t happen to be married to this universe’s version of me, would’ya?

“How the _fuck_ \--”


End file.
